let's take a drive ...

Last night I was practicing driving. Yes, I’ve had my “G” for about 5 years – but I was out driving my dad’s big, smelly, dirty truck. As I was driving home after a half hour of finding my “sweet spot” with the clutch, I started thinking about the similarities between learning to drive this big, smelly truck and working to find a balance – I think I’ll call it my “sweet spot” – with life.

The more I think about this, the deeper I can take it. When I was a little kid, I was pretty lucky. I had parents who took care of everything – or at least tried to. Nothing too traumatic happened and I, like many other fortunate children, coasted along, hitting a few speedbumps but avoiding the ditch.

Along came the teen years. Sadly, I don’t look upon that time of my life with very much fondness. I mostly remember the bad stuff … the typical “teenager” insecurities and emotions and seemingly–but-not-actually ‘traumatic’ experiences. When I really pay attention to what was so crummy, I see the telltale ‘warning’ signs of what was to come – the nervousness, the fears of random and silly things, the lack of self-esteem and the tendency to cling to the negative – early symptoms of what would become a major roadblock later on …

The mid and late teens were, in a word, hell. I hit the ditch, and I hit it hard. No, I didn’t get into drugs (hell, I didn’t even try pot until I was nearly 20!). But shit happened, life blew up around me, and I had no idea how to deal with it. So I kept everything a secret. A big ball of nasty, miserable secrets that, over the course of a couple of years, sent me spiraling into a black pit of undiagnosed major depression and a serious anxiety disorder.

At the time – wallowing in depression and despair – I learned to drive. Yep, got my G1 and then my G2 … but I’m speaking more in metaphorical terms. Not in spite of, but because of all of this shit going on, I was also starting to learn how to “drive” my life. I was even starting to figure out what direction I wanted to go in! I just didn’t know it yet.

Anyway … for a blog about driving, this has gotten pretty deep! I really don’t even know where to take it anymore … so I’m going to get back to where it started in my mind … As I was driving along, thinking about balancing the clutch and the gas, I realized that there are many similarities between learning to balance life and learning to balance the clutch and the gas.

The first point is that it’s always a matter of learning … it takes time, effort, energy, dedication. For years I’ve avoided learning this skill … I’m not even completely sure why! It just seemed “too hard”. And yeah … it was rough at first. I stalled more than once and there were times when I just wanted to give up. But with some practice, I started to figure it out. And now I would say I’ve just about mastered the stick. :)

The quest for balancing my life has also been a learning process, and it has literally taken years. First I needed to find the courage to try, and ‘important someones’ --- particularly Serge and Juwa (love you babe!) to help guide me. Just as my dad has been there to answer my questions about driving that big old truck … to listen to me vent when things were “too hard” and to encourage and show me the way back onto the my path, my “special people” have been there for me as I’ve been working towards sorting things out.

The second point is – practice and dedication! The only way I’ve managed to “master the stick” has been to practice, and (lately) to just get in the truck and drive – by myself – and make mistakes. As my dad said to me last night “don’t panic, and take your time”. It’s taken a while … I’ve been trying to learn for months!

Unlike life, however, learning to drive standard is something that happens and then is done. Yes, it’s good to practice once in a while. But now I’m pretty much set in that department. I can get up and take that big clunky truck just about anywhere! Ha ha ha. Life, on the other hand – I (like everyone else!), will never be “set”. Yep, I’ve got more balance and happiness and good things than ever before. Depression free, anxiety disorder completely under control (thank you celexa, for saving me!), lots of great skills learned in therapy (CBT is amazing). I go to the gym, I eat pretty well (yes, I still love fruit by the foot and cake … but I’ve got much more self control!). I’m confident and honest and … well … happy. :) I’m working hard towards a great life!

Okay … that blog went a lot deeper than I intended and, honestly, doesn’t feel “together” to me … but I don’t know what else to do with it. So up it’s going and feedback is welcome!

Lots of love,
Candz

unfold

new song addiction!
"unfold" - Marié Digby



what i can remember
is a lot like water
trickling down a page
of the most beautiful colors
i can’t quite put my finger
down on the moment
that i became like this...

you see i am the bravest girl
you will ever come to meet
yet i shrink down to nothing
at the thought of someone
really seeing me
i think my heart is wrapped around
and tangled up in winding weeds

but i dont wanna go on living
being so afraid of showing
someone else my imperfections
and even though my feet
are trembling
and every word i say
comes stumbling
i will bare it all... watch me unfold
unfold

these hands that i hold
behind my back are
bound and broken
by my own doing
and i can’t feel
anything anymore
i need a touch to remind me
i’m still real

but i dont wanna go on living
being so afraid of showing
someone else my imperfections
and even though my feet
are trembling
and every word i say
comes stumbling
i will bare it all... watch me unfold
unfold

my soul
it’s dying to be free
you see.. i can’t live the rest of my life
so guarded
it’s dying to be free
it’s up to me to choose...
what kind of life i lead

but i dont wanna go on living
being so afraid of showing
someone else my imperfections
and even though my feet
are trembling
and every word i say
comes stumbling
i will bare it all... watch me unfold
unfold

i will allow someone to love me
i will allow someone to love me.

blogging again!

Well folks, it’s time to get back to the blog.

I’ve been home from Roma since May 21 and it’s been an interesting few weeks. It was a difficult transition and one that I really did not want to make – but I have survived and things are coming together now.

I’m officially employed as a personal support worker at Community Living Walkerton and District. Woot woot. It’s a job I’ve done before – in the summer of 2004 (the last time I was actually living at home) and it’s a field in which I have quite a lot of experience. I started traning last week with a brief book-orientation for a few hours. Yesterday was filled with NVCI training – that’s “non violent crisis intervention” training. And today I started my actual on the job training. I’m thankful for my prior (extensive) experience with support work – I know what I’m going into and have the skills to deal with it. So … I’m looking forward to this!

As you are probably aware, working in Walkerton means that I’m living at home. For the most part this is quite good – free room and board, lots of good food, company, sleep, kitties … all good things. There are moments, however, when I feel like pulling my own hair out (or that of someone else) and just wish that I was in the city, living on my own! Now is more or less one of those moments. It can be hard to get space and breathing room with so many people (the house is especially crowded at the moment). So I just have to try to be patient and occupy myself. I would like to go out for a bike ride – though the weather is really crummy today so I’m not sure if I’ll manage that.

That’s another thing that I’ve been doing lately – biking a LOT. I’m trying to use my bike as my primary method of transportation (though I’m getting my car back from Cassie … it’s going to be an unavoidable evil if I’m working 40+ hours/week). However, I’ve been lucky and biked most everywhere so far – particularly to the gym! I’ve been going to the gym almost every day, which has been great. I’m feeling good and strong and the most motivated I’ve ever been. My abs are getting pretty solid! Don’t believe me? Just try me! Hahaha …

More summer goodness --- with some help from my dad I’ve managed to start a min-garden this year, with a few tomatoe plants, basil (mmmmm … I use it almost daily!), thyme, rosemary, lavender, red peppers and green peppers. I think we’re going to try to get a few more veggies and get them planted this week (the weather isn’t fantastic, so we’re not too far behind the planting). So far everything is in big planters (my preference). But we might have to get some of these tomatoes in the ground.

I’ve been scrapbooking and crafting a LOT lately … making lots of cards and some pretty cool layouts as well. I’ve finally ordered prints from blacks – now I just need to GET to Guelph. Soon, I hope. If you’re in Guelph and you want to chill, please, let me know. I would love to see some familiar faces!

I’m working on learning Italian now. This is for a few reasons … not only because it’s an awesome language and I think that learning a new language is a great thing to do – but also because I would love to head back to Roma for a few months (or more) as soon as that becomes possible. I’m trying to be realistic and just go with things each day. Right now I have to deal with the cooped up feelings that I am experiencing and fight the urge to rent an apartment in walkerton just to get some space!!! Will keep you posted on that one.

The other thing that I’m getting into is photography. I am saving for a digital SLR and want to start learning some photography skills. I’m feeling good about all these things that I am doing for myself … eating well, exercising a lot, scrapping/crafting, learning a language, learning new skills and trying new things (I think I’m going to try kayaking at the next opportunity, which I believe is in a couple of weeks). Now I’m just starting to wish that I had someone to share some of this with. Julia, baby, you’re so far away! I think I’m re-entering that place where one is capable of having a relationship …

Hmm … scary thoughts. I’m sure this is due, at least in part, by the influence of Bruce County. I’ll call it BC Syndrome – everyone I went to high school with (including those younger than me) have gotten or are getting married – or at least have children. The pressure is on!!! read: i want a daaaaaateeeee!

Good thing I’m strong :)

Hope all is well. Stay tuned, you’ll be my outlet now that I’m back into routine.

Xox
candz