Last night I was practicing driving. Yes, I’ve had my “G” for about 5 years – but I was out driving my dad’s big, smelly, dirty truck. As I was driving home after a half hour of finding my “sweet spot” with the clutch, I started thinking about the similarities between learning to drive this big, smelly truck and working to find a balance – I think I’ll call it my “sweet spot” – with life.
The more I think about this, the deeper I can take it. When I was a little kid, I was pretty lucky. I had parents who took care of everything – or at least tried to. Nothing too traumatic happened and I, like many other fortunate children, coasted along, hitting a few speedbumps but avoiding the ditch.
Along came the teen years. Sadly, I don’t look upon that time of my life with very much fondness. I mostly remember the bad stuff … the typical “teenager” insecurities and emotions and seemingly–but-not-actually ‘traumatic’ experiences. When I really pay attention to what was so crummy, I see the telltale ‘warning’ signs of what was to come – the nervousness, the fears of random and silly things, the lack of self-esteem and the tendency to cling to the negative – early symptoms of what would become a major roadblock later on …
The mid and late teens were, in a word, hell. I hit the ditch, and I hit it hard. No, I didn’t get into drugs (hell, I didn’t even try pot until I was nearly 20!). But shit happened, life blew up around me, and I had no idea how to deal with it. So I kept everything a secret. A big ball of nasty, miserable secrets that, over the course of a couple of years, sent me spiraling into a black pit of undiagnosed major depression and a serious anxiety disorder.
At the time – wallowing in depression and despair – I learned to drive. Yep, got my G1 and then my G2 … but I’m speaking more in metaphorical terms. Not in spite of, but because of all of this shit going on, I was also starting to learn how to “drive” my life. I was even starting to figure out what direction I wanted to go in! I just didn’t know it yet.
Anyway … for a blog about driving, this has gotten pretty deep! I really don’t even know where to take it anymore … so I’m going to get back to where it started in my mind … As I was driving along, thinking about balancing the clutch and the gas, I realized that there are many similarities between learning to balance life and learning to balance the clutch and the gas.
The first point is that it’s always a matter of learning … it takes time, effort, energy, dedication. For years I’ve avoided learning this skill … I’m not even completely sure why! It just seemed “too hard”. And yeah … it was rough at first. I stalled more than once and there were times when I just wanted to give up. But with some practice, I started to figure it out. And now I would say I’ve just about mastered the stick. :)
The quest for balancing my life has also been a learning process, and it has literally taken years. First I needed to find the courage to try, and ‘important someones’ --- particularly Serge and Juwa (love you babe!) to help guide me. Just as my dad has been there to answer my questions about driving that big old truck … to listen to me vent when things were “too hard” and to encourage and show me the way back onto the my path, my “special people” have been there for me as I’ve been working towards sorting things out.
The second point is – practice and dedication! The only way I’ve managed to “master the stick” has been to practice, and (lately) to just get in the truck and drive – by myself – and make mistakes. As my dad said to me last night “don’t panic, and take your time”. It’s taken a while … I’ve been trying to learn for months!
Unlike life, however, learning to drive standard is something that happens and then is done. Yes, it’s good to practice once in a while. But now I’m pretty much set in that department. I can get up and take that big clunky truck just about anywhere! Ha ha ha. Life, on the other hand – I (like everyone else!), will never be “set”. Yep, I’ve got more balance and happiness and good things than ever before. Depression free, anxiety disorder completely under control (thank you celexa, for saving me!), lots of great skills learned in therapy (CBT is amazing). I go to the gym, I eat pretty well (yes, I still love fruit by the foot and cake … but I’ve got much more self control!). I’m confident and honest and … well … happy. :) I’m working hard towards a great life!
Okay … that blog went a lot deeper than I intended and, honestly, doesn’t feel “together” to me … but I don’t know what else to do with it. So up it’s going and feedback is welcome!
Lots of love,
Candz
About Me
- Candice
- I'm an engaging, dynamic and outgoing woman with a passion for wellness, education and advocacy. I work with children, youth, adults, parents, caregivers and professionals to encourage a healthy, respectful dialogue around sensitive issues, including sexuality, mental health and child behaviour.
Quoted ...
Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile. -- Mother Teresa
Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. --Unknown
“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!”
Jack Kerouac
"Take wrong turns. Talk to strangers. Open unmarked doors. And if you see a group of people in a field, go find out what they're doing. Do things without always knowing how they'll turn out. You're curious and smart and bored, and all you see is the choice between working hard and slacking off. There are so many adventures you miss because you're waiting to think of a plan. To find them, look for tiny interesting choices. And remember that you are always making up the future as you go." - http://xkcd.com/267/
Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. --Unknown
“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!”
Jack Kerouac
"Take wrong turns. Talk to strangers. Open unmarked doors. And if you see a group of people in a field, go find out what they're doing. Do things without always knowing how they'll turn out. You're curious and smart and bored, and all you see is the choice between working hard and slacking off. There are so many adventures you miss because you're waiting to think of a plan. To find them, look for tiny interesting choices. And remember that you are always making up the future as you go." - http://xkcd.com/267/
something i love ...
my favourite part about eating spaghetti at home is dipping that little bit of leftover noodles into that little bit of leftover sauce - and eating it with my fingers!
