the dynamics of our house - my parent's house - have changed dramatically. on friday, we made the awful decision to euthanize Benji.
he was old - 17 - and his health was deteriorating quickly. i'll admit, i was strongly in favour of the euthanization. we'd been anticipating it for a long time, and had all acknowledged that he wouldn't make it much longer. and when he wandered into the middle of the pool cover - which was filled with freezing cold water - and couldn't find a way out, we knew it was getting to be time.
what i really did not anticipate was how awful it would be. i made the phone call and scheduled the appointment - all the while feeling horrible because he was following me around, tail wagging, wanting an alpo biscuit. dad and chelsey went to the actual appointment and, though i wasn't there, what i've been told about it haunts me. three days later, i still feel wretched. i go back and forth between regret and intense grief. he was suffering, his quality of life was deteriorating rapidly, and he wasn't going to make it much longer. yet at the same time, he was still mentally "there" - he knew what was going on, and though he was blind and nearly deaf, he knew when one of us was around and was never far away.
there's an emptiness in the house ... my cat's bowl is now in the dog's spot. he's not lying near the door or wandering around the hall. there's really no need to check if the back door is locked because it hasn't been opened tonight. though it has been three days, i've been away at a conference and am only now really experiencing the loss.
i have a feeling it's going to be a while before it all sinks in. but this, like all grief, will lessen with time. in the meantime, i'd better try to sleep.
-c
About Me
- Candice
- I'm an engaging, dynamic and outgoing woman with a passion for wellness, education and advocacy. I work with children, youth, adults, parents, caregivers and professionals to encourage a healthy, respectful dialogue around sensitive issues, including sexuality, mental health and child behaviour.
Quoted ...
Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile. -- Mother Teresa
Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. --Unknown
“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!”
Jack Kerouac
"Take wrong turns. Talk to strangers. Open unmarked doors. And if you see a group of people in a field, go find out what they're doing. Do things without always knowing how they'll turn out. You're curious and smart and bored, and all you see is the choice between working hard and slacking off. There are so many adventures you miss because you're waiting to think of a plan. To find them, look for tiny interesting choices. And remember that you are always making up the future as you go." - http://xkcd.com/267/
Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. --Unknown
“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!”
Jack Kerouac
"Take wrong turns. Talk to strangers. Open unmarked doors. And if you see a group of people in a field, go find out what they're doing. Do things without always knowing how they'll turn out. You're curious and smart and bored, and all you see is the choice between working hard and slacking off. There are so many adventures you miss because you're waiting to think of a plan. To find them, look for tiny interesting choices. And remember that you are always making up the future as you go." - http://xkcd.com/267/
something i love ...
my favourite part about eating spaghetti at home is dipping that little bit of leftover noodles into that little bit of leftover sauce - and eating it with my fingers!
